A slice of humble pie…..baby expectations vs baby reality.

Below I combined a hilariously naive list of actual things that I said during pregnancy and the honest reality that goes with them…..

‘I’m going to have a waterbirth without pain relief, I’m hypnobirthing you see’

Ha, I hadn’t considered the fact they wouldn’t let me in the pool due to risk of infection after my waters broke 24 hours before hand in Sainsbury’s (I’ll save that for another blog). In my head I had envisaged a spa day, in reality I felt like an extra on the set of Texas chainsaw massacre.

‘I’m not going to be one of those mums who post pictures of their babies on social media’

I’ve just counted 71 pictures of Jasmine on my Instagram, 71!! How self obsessed of me to think anyone wants pictures of her thrust upon them, at the same time – I can’t bloody help myself! Ahhhh!

‘I’m going to finish my novel on my year off, and maybe learn to bake’

Year off???? Year OFF??!!!! I’ve never worked so hard at a job in my life, it doesn’t stop at 5pm it doesn’t even stop at 5am, it’s 24 hours a day! I’m lucky if I can get dressed and brush my teeth let alone become the next JK Rowling or Mary Berry!

‘I don’t want anything second hand, only the best crib for my baby!’

I will level with you, if Jasmine had a good nights sleep in a cardboard box, I reckon I’d give it a go right now!

I think the night feed will be ok as I’m up quite a lot in the night anyway’

Ha, oh Marie, you fool! Nothing can prepare you for the nights (see my previous blog ‘will I ever sleep again’) imagine just drifting off and someone screaming in your ear WAKE UP NOW!!! Now!!! Now!!!! And continuing to do so until you’re up. This is every 40 minutes sometimes less…. the fun part is you never know, could be after two minutes of shutting your eyes, could be an hour! Russian sleep roulette! Nothing can prepare you for this. Maybe I need to invent some kind of night time boot camp that does this, or even better they give you a taster at anti natal classes rather than the ‘getting to know you’ icebreakers everyone hates.

‘I think having the dogs has prepared me to be a mum’

Let me tell you – leaving a baby home alone is frowned upon. I know, who knew? Can’t just pop to the shops or pop to New York. Dogs are allowed to sleep wherever they like really, you are not scared about sudden infant death syndrome or the only source dogs can eat from. Yes, they taught me huge responsibility and love as a mum but it’s a very different kind of responsibility.

I won’t ever cut my hair off in to a short “mumsy” style’

Cut it off, cut it all off! It resides in a messy bun on top of my head most days, my hair straighteners are in retirement and as for the colour, whole knows…. blonde grease anyone?

‘My baby won’t be watching TV, I don’t want her sat in front of a screen’

Honestly. She smiled twice during peppa pig so I’m taking that as a signal I can put her in a bouncer to watch an episode while I drink tea….or wine.

‘We will bring the babies crib down in to the lounge so she can sleep whilst we eat, watch box sets and unwind’

We will takes shifts holding the baby while the other eats and we are winning if we manage to rock enough while holding her standing up to watch a whole programme without interruption. Most of the time we pause the TV while she has a cry, Eastenders can take up to seven hours to watch.

I will probably put the in a bouncer in the bathroom when I’m in there so she can entertain herself’

Bathroom time is in general a no no. I can, if I’m feeling creative, have a wee. This consists of me angling the baby on the bed so she can see me, while I frantically entertain her like a CBeebies presenter on Prozac. Sometimes it works.

Her nursery is the theme of vintage Disney meets Nordic love’

Her nursery is the theme of Jumble sale meets Primark on a Saturday afternoon!

Share the message with all those pregnant mummies with the content smugness I once had!

“The course of true love never did run smooth” – William Shakespeare Act 1 Scene 1 – a midsummer nights dream.

18 thoughts on “A slice of humble pie…..baby expectations vs baby reality.”

  1. I am chuckling away reading this, as I recall saying it was like having a baby when my dog was a puppy… it was nothing like the reality… my dog now at least sleeps most of the day ? Jasmine is gorgeous though and can totally see why you upload pictures… curious though, did Sainbury’s send you a gift for your waters breaking in store? I’ve heard certain stores do that! The reality is so much different to how we think it will be, but the reality for most parts is so much better ? Sim x

    1. No they didn’t, to be honest I didn’t realise until I got home. Have a debate with my partner if it was waters or if I weed myself!! Turns out it was my waters though ? x

  2. Hahaha ong those are so true ! I remember when i was pregnant with dd i was saying “oh i be having natural birth” all smug as you do – after 48 in labour i begged for cesarian ? i managed to give birth thanks to epidrual

  3. This made me laugh. Aren’t we all full of “it” before baby comes ,eh ?! I was even full of “it” when expecting baby number 2 -they will be best mates and play well together and be just wonderful -my mother told me I’d just become a referee ….
    My mother was right ?

  4. Oh Marie. god bless you and your slice of the H-Pie. I remember it all so well. I used to clean the flat with Hunter in the Baby Bjorn, and he used to watch ALOT of Baby TV. (if you haven’t done so already: get her watching that!). Oh and make sure you get yourself a Jumperoo when she’s old enough. Or as it was refereed to by my NCT group, a “circle of neglect” hahahahaha! It gets easier I promise. And you’re doing a FAB job xxx

  5. Whilst I can’t say that this is relatable for me personally, I’ll still point out how much it made me chuckle as I read it! I really enjoyed the way this is written – hope you’re having a nice day ?

  6. This has to be the best blog post I’ve read yet! I don’t think I’ve ever related to something so much in my life! I thought that I would be able to study while I was off for a year! haha!

  7. I was laughing along to this as I thought and said many of these things too… What will make you laugh is I still did the same with the second. I thought I would write a book on my second lot of mat leave and was totally shocked by the fact that I had to do school hours which meant that I had even less time… Brilliant post xx

  8. This post is so hilariously relatable, I can’t even deal ?
    The dog preparing you for a baby is such a naive misconception, I wish my baby was as easy as my dog, my god!
    And the mum hair predicament – gaaah, I feel you. But I down right refuse to cut off my long hair, despite how much pain it causes me when around the little one ?
    Great post, absolutely loved it!

    Jessica | jessinwonderland.com

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